


How I See You

by maggiemae2104



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-31
Updated: 2014-05-30
Packaged: 2018-01-27 16:31:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,624
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1717211
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maggiemae2104/pseuds/maggiemae2104
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Meryl deals with an eating disorder</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Background: Meryl and Maks are together. There is no romantic feelings between Meryl and Charlie. Charlie actually loves how great Maks and Meryl are together.
> 
> Disclaimer: I in no way believe that Meryl has an eating disorder, but this is what it could be like if she did. Additionally, I realize that this can be a sensitive subject. Every eating disorder is different and it cannot be generalized.

Meryl can feel her boyfriend watching her, but it doesn’t feel the same as it usually does when he’s checking her out. His face looks sad, worried, and scared all at once.

“What’s wrong babe?”

Maks turns red and looks away before saying, “Um, when did you eat last?”

Confused, Meryl says “We ate lunch together, why?”

Without saying a word, Maks reaches for Meryl and slowly lifts her shirt a few inches, revealing her protruding ribs. Meryl instantly knows exactly what’s happening. She backs away from Maks and feel like she’s about to start crying. She tries to brush it off saying, “I’ve been working out a lot and between Stars on Ice and Dancing, sometimes eating well and sleeping aren’t my biggest priority.”

“Babe but it’s not just that. You’ve gotten so much frailer since the beginning of the season…”

Meryl says nothing and the silence is louder that anything she could have said. Maks remembers everything about her, from how beautiful her eyes are, to her perfect laugh. However, this also means that he can remember all their meals together, including the fact that she rarely orders more than a salad.

Almost crying himself, Maks softly says, “Please tell me you aren’t starving yourself.” His tone borders on accusing. Meryl snaps her head up and gets in Maks’ face.

“There’s nothing wrong with me other than I’m tired and that my boyfriend and coach can’t mind his own damn business!” She turns her back to him and says, “We need to keep working.”  
————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————

“Charlie!”

As Charlie is leaving the rehearsal studio on Wednesday afternoon, he hears his name being called. Turning around he sees his lifelong partner’s boyfriend walking toward him. They do the typical bro hug and after some small talk about how the dances are progressing, Charlie can see that there’s something bothering Maks.

“Hey man, you okay?”

Maks didn’t know how to start this conversation. “I’m worried about Meryl,” he blurts out. Immediately, he has Charlie’s full attention. “I didn’t know how to tell you this but I think she may be trying to starve herself. She’s gotten so skinny and frail and it feels like I’m going to break her even more so than usual. I don’t know what to do.” His voice cracks. “She won’t talk to me about what’s wrong but I hate seeing her like this. She’s perfect the way she is and she can’t see it.”

Not even halfway into the rambling, Charlie started to tense up. He had been through this before with Meryl, but he had believed she was working on it. More than that, he couldn’t believe that she didn’t tell Maks. To be fair, Charlie had had about the same reaction that Maks did. But clearly, Meryl didn’t want Maks to know, and it wasn’t Charlie’s place to tell him.

“Look man, I don’t know what happened, but I‘d let her deal with it. She’s good with pressure and I don’t think she’s ever jeopardize her health again.” SHIT, he thought. Before Maks could react to what he’d heard, Charlie got in his car and drove away.

Maks realized that Charlie knew more than he was letting on, but that is was pointless to try and get anything out of him. He went back into the studio where Meryl was trying to work though the salsa moves on her own. Even standing in the doorway, he could see how exhausted and pale she was. There’s definitely something wrong, he thought.

Meryl sees him standing in the doorway and asks, “Ready to practice?” Maks quickly agrees and takes hold of her waist. Before they begin the dance, he squeezes her waist and says, “Babe you know I love you right?”

After a slight pause, Meryl looks up at him and says, “Of course, I love you too,” with that beautiful smile on her face. She finally relaxes thinking that the subject of her health has been dropped.

Maks couldn’t get the image of her protruding ribs out of his mind.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Charlie and Maks have a chat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Again, no two eating disorders are the same

Meryl was too quiet.

Charlie didn’t want to bring anything up to her right before a show, but after what Maks said, he couldn’t stop worrying. Even if he wanted to say something, how would he bring it up? The last time this happened she had stopped talking to him for weeks. He though she had been handling her disorder. She definitely did seem skinnier.

“Charlie. Charlie! DUDE!” Meryl was trying to get his attention to go out to rehearsal, interruption his anxious thoughts.

On the ice, both Meryl and Charlie could tell that something was off. Nothing went horribly wrong but everyone could sense that Meryl and Charlie weren’t being, well, Meryl and Charlie.

As they strike their last post in Scheherazade, Meryl is breathing heavily. As she told Maks, she hasn’t been eating or sleeping well for several weeks now. She is well aware that she has a disease, but there is just too much happening for her to stop now. She was a gold medalist, for Christ’s sake; she didn’t want to just sit by herself back home in Michigan.

The short breathing didn’t go unnoticed by Charlie. He decides that he has to say something to her. No words are needed as he grabs her hand and pulls her into the dressing room. Once they are alone, he looks her straight in the eye and asks, “Have you stopped eating again?”

All the color drained from Meryl’s face.

She was furious. Charlie didn’t just come up with that from one rehearsal. Someone, and she had a feeling she knew who it was, had figured out her biggest secret and told Charlie. “Charlie, I’m fine.”

“Meryl, I know you better than that. There’s something wrong and I can’t stand to see you like this again. The last time—“

“Just STOP!” she yelled, sprinting out of the room in tears.

She had to get out of here. She knew that Charlie was only worried, but she didn’t like that Maks kept butting his way into everything. Can’t they see that I’m just tired? Just because I like to eat healthy and work out a lot doesn’t mean I’m still sick. I’m a thousand times healthier than I was last time.

Meryl rounded a corner and ran directly into Gracie, Ashley, and Mirai, all of whom had extremely concerned faces. Oh great, she thought. They noticed how awful our rehearsal was. Ashley immediately gathered her into a hug. Squeezing her tight, Meryl completely lost in. She bawled her eyes out into Ashley’s shoulder, as Gracie and Mirai rubbed her back. Ashley pulled away and looked her directly in the eyes.

“Mer, we’re worried about you.”

Meryl was shocked. How many people know about this? When she first started starving herself in 2010, the only people who noticed were Charlie and her parents. Marina was thrilled, of course, because she was more “aerodynamic,” and skating fans around the world commented on her beauty. But then came that night.

Meryl couldn’t stop thinking about that night. The flashing lights, the screams, Charlie and her parents never leaving her side. It was all too much.

“Meryl, please listen to us. We only want the best for you, and—”

Before Gracie could even finish her sentence, Meryl runs into the bathroom. Before she knows it, she’s hunched over the toilet, trying to throw up. The only problem? There’s nothing to come up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More details on “that night” in the next chapter. I’d love any feedback :)


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shit hits the fan, basically

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, here is Chapter 3! I’m doing a little bit of editing on Chapter 4 and the epilogue, but they will both be up by then end of the night.
> 
> WARNING: SHIT HITS THE FAN
> 
> This Chapter is written in a little bit of a different way. In many interviews, Meryl and Charlie say that they have an unspoken relationship. This plays off of that.

Waiting in the wings for their gala number, the tension between the Olympic partners is obvious. They’re not talking which is normal, but they’re also not touching or making any eye contact. The first number went fine, but Meryl was clearly still rattled. There were two scares in which her mistakes almost ended in disaster. Charlie can’t stand it.

“Mer?” She looks up at her longtime partner. “I don’t want to make you angry, but I really am worried about you. I just want to make sure you’re okay.”

Meryl sighs and looks away. “For the last time, I’m completely fine.” Before he can respond, the stage manager is pointing for them to get on the ice. As they do their opening lap, they can see Maks and Sharna in the audience, before they fly out the next morning. Even with their fight, it still comforts Meryl to see her boyfriend in the front row. However, it’s too dark for her to see the worried look on his face; he didn’t miss the mishaps in the first number.

Standing in their opening pose, Charlie meets Meryl’s eyes. Her hands are shaking past the point of chills. They begin their routine. Not even ten seconds into the dance, Charlie notices a strange look on Meryl’s face. As he skates toward her, ignoring the choreography, her knees buckle. Charlie catches her before she hits the ice.

After a crowd-wide gasp, all hell breaks loose.

There is screaming, people are crying, and the strobe lights are still going. Stage managers are running around trying to calm everyone down, but Charlie only has one person on his mind.

Charlie carries his partner to the backstage area, where he is met by Ashley, Gracie, and Mirai, who are all crying. Charlie soon has tears running down his own face. As he sets her down on the cold floor, Maks and Sharna are suddenly backstage, Maks is clearly terrified. As the only one with a clear head, Sharna begins to yell, “Meryl, Meryl, honey can you hear me?” After a few good slaps to the face, Meryl opens her eyes, with a huge sigh of relief from everyone around her.

As Meryl looks into the concerned faces of her friends, partner, and boyfriend, she suddenly can’t breathe.

She stands up, much to the chagrin of her friends, and runs to the bathroom locking the door. Sitting on the toilet, she remembers that night.  
——————————————————————————————————————————————————-

FLASHBACK: November 2010

[Meryl was told some of this after the fact]

Charlie is leaving the rink after a long day of rehearsals, and Marina had asked him to stay and help two young ice dancers with their routine. He was exhausted, but looking forward to going home and eating a huge juicy cheeseburger. As he unlocked his car, he heard pounding. Looking at the spot next to him, he realized that Meryl had never left. She was sitting in her car, crying hysterically and pounding against the steering wheel.

Charlie runs to her car and opens the door. Meryl falls into his arms, crying and screaming unintelligibly. He rubs her back with one hand, and seeing that she was on her phone, he reaches for it. This only makes Meryl more upset, as she tries to reach for her iPhone. Before she can grab it back, he sees what’s written in her notes:

“The only way to win is to be skinny.”

“Charlie won’t be able to lift you, you fat cow.”

“No man will ever want you.”

He looks at Meryl in disbelief.

“Charlie, its just motivation. I need to lose more weight to do the tricks Marina wants us to be able to do.” She pushes away from him and locks herself in her car. With one last sad look through her tears, she drives away.

Without missing a beat, Charlie pulls out his phone to call Paul Davis.

“Hey, Charlie, now’s not really a good—“

“Meryl’s starving herself.” This statement is met with complete silence.

“How did you know?” says Meryl’s father.

Wow that’s not what I was expecting Charlie thinks.

“She had a breakdown in the parking lot today. What do you mean how do I know?”

“Charlie, Cheryl and I have suspected this for a while. We’re on our way to her apartment now to talk with her. Why don’t you join us?” Charlie doesn’t want to butt in on a personal matter, but he knows that having him there will make it more real for Meryl, so he agrees.

——————————————————————————————————————————————————-  
As Meryl drives home, she tries to wipe her tears. She wanted to talk to Charlie, but she didn’t want to jeopardize their chances at worlds in just a few months. As she pulls into her parking spot, she resolves that, until worlds, she will push herself as hard as she possibly can. No excuses, Davis. Looking toward 2014, you have to be as fit as possible.

20 minutes later, as Meryl is watching TV, she hears a knock at her door. It’s her parents and Charlie. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out why they’re here. She turns around and heads back to her couch.

Cheryl and Paul instantly start in with Meryl. “We’re worried about you sweetheart.” As Meryl starts to defend herself, Charlie’s focus is drawn to the wall of Meryl’s bedroom that he can see.

All he can see is “DON’T BE FAT.” He rips the poster off the wall and brings it back to his partner.

Meryl jumps up and charges at Charlie, who is suddenly terrified; he’s never seen Meryl like this.

“CHARLIE THIS IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!” as she tries her best to hurt Charlie, by kicking, punching and scratching him. “YOU DON’T NEED TO KNOW EVERY DETAIL OF HOW I LIVE MY LIFE!” By this point Paul has to fully hold her back from seriously injuring Charlie. Realizing how much she messed up, Meryl freezes, and then collapses in a heap on her floor, again hysterically crying. Any attempt that Paul, Cheryl or Charlie makes to help her is met with a punch or a kick. There is nothing that anyone can do.

Charlie is on the phone with 911.

——————————————————————————————————————————————————-

PRESENT DAY

Back in the bathroom, Meryl sits with her back against the wall, realizing that she’s back to that point.

Maybe even worse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This sentence may be the hardest thing I’ve written all day. Because of the sensitivity of this subject, I decided to be very purposeful in writing this fic. The flashback scene was an entirely real depiction of how my parents and brother confronted me about my eating disorder. As I’ve said before, every eating disorder is different, this was just how it happened for me, meaning that this was the way I could 100% write it honestly. I hope you all liked the chapter! Feedback always encouraged :)


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Confrontations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the final full chapter

When Meryl finally calms down, she prepares herself to face everyone and walks out into the hallway ready to see….no one. The hallway is empty. Sighing in relief, she goes to the dressing room and sits by her locker to think some more. She decides that in order to get better, it has to be in baby steps. After a few minutes alone, she hears someone knock. Thinking it’s either Maks or Charlie, she says, “Come in!”

Meryl is surprised so see not her boyfriend or partner, but Sharna walk through the door. With a small smile, Sharna comes to sit next to her. No one says anything for a few seconds until Meryl decides to take the plunge.

“I just hate the fact that everyone thinks I’m weak.”

Sharna takes Meryl’s hand and says, “Honey, that’s not at all what it is. The reason that everyone is freaking out isn’t because you’re weak. It’s because you’re trying too hard to be strong. There has to be a point that you let someone else take care of you. You have so many people that love you are care about you. No one is invincible.”

Meryl doesn’t say a word, but for the first time that night, she doesn’t feel like crying.

Baby steps, Mer.

“Thank you, Sharna.” But it wasn’t Meryl who said these words.

Charlie walked into the dressing room towards the two girls. He looked apprehensive, but the man was on a mission. He tossed her something.

It was a Nutri-Grain bar. Meryl couldn’t help herself. She giggled, something she hadn’t done off camera in at least a month. Sharna left the partners to have a private chat, satisfied that Meryl would be okay.

Meryl opened the snack and took a bite, as Charlie sat down next to her.

Baby steps.

“Meryl, please tell me why this happened again? I can’t stand this.” She was quiet for a moment. Finally, she gathered the courage to say what she’s been afraid to say.

“I don’t want Maks to leave me. Every girl he’s ever been with has had a perfect body. Yeah I might be in great shape now, but I won’t always be. That’s why I’m like this again. I love him, more than I’ve ever loved anyone, and I’m scared he won’t love me when I don’t look like a gold medalist anymore.”

Charlie hunched over in relief. Was she still sick? Yes, but at least she was able to talk about it. He wouldn’t make the mistake of letting her deal with it on her own ever again. He says, “Mer, I love you, and I never want to see you hurting ever again. But right now, I’m not the one you need to talk to.” He gets up and walks to the door, where Maks is waiting, having been listening the whole time. Meryl’s face turns bright red and her mouth drops open. As Charlie walks out of the room, he claps Maks on the shoulder and whispers, “Go for it, man.”

Meryl is still sitting on the bench, looking at her lap. Instead of sitting next to her like Charlie and Sharna, he kneels before her, so that he can look directly into her eyes.

“Babe, is it true, what you told Charlie? You don’t think I’ll love you when you’re not in great shape anymore?” His questions are met with complete silence from his girlfriend. “Baby, please talk to me,” Maks says, his voice choking back tears.

Meryl slowly nods. Baby steps, Mer.

Maks feels like crying. Here is the one woman he has ever really loved, and she doesn’t think he loves her. Maks takes her hands in one of his and uses the other to pull her chin up. “Babe, I love all of you. You are amazingly beautiful on the outside, but even more so on the inside. I love that you still get excited when you see a puppy. I love the way your eyes crinkle when you smile. I love how big your heart is and how amazingly down-to-earth you are. I could be blind, and I would still love you just as much. I never want to be without you. Ever.”

Meryl still couldn’t find her words, but she was now looking Maks square in the eye.

“I was so scared today that I would lose you. Seeing you motionless on the floor back here, I couldn’t bear it if you hurt yourself to the point that you weren’t my princess anymore; if you were just a shell of the woman I loved. I can’t even—” His words were stopped by Meryl’s lips in a sweet kiss.

As she pulled away, she smiled and said, “You had me at ‘my princess’.” Meryl leans in for another kiss, but this time Maks stops her.

“My only wish, if I could only have one thing in the world, is that you can look in the mirror and see yourself how I see you. As the beautiful, sexy, confident, and amazing woman you are. Don’t ever forget that.”

Finally, Maks saw the smile that had become the center of his world. As he wrapped his arms around his beautiful girlfriend, he heard her whisper, “Baby steps.”

Maks leaned back. “Let’s take our baby steps together.” With a smile, he takes her hand and they go out to face the world. Together.


	5. Epilogue

May 2019

"Mr. and Mrs. Chmerkovskiy, I’d like you to meet your daughter. Does she have a name?"

Beaming with pride, Maks says, “Sofia. We’re naming her Sofia. Right, babe?” He looks at Meryl in her hospital bed for confirmation.

From her spot for the last 20 hours, Meryl smiles a tired smile and nods.

The proud new parents watch like hawks as the APGAR test is done and as doctors ensure their baby is healthy. When everything is done, Sofia is placed on Meryl’s chest.

"Maks, are you ready to cut the cord?"

"Um, what?" Maks had forgotten people did this. He was about to say no, when he saw Meryl looking at him. she didn’t even have to say anything before he agreed. He cut the cord with pride.

When the doctors left, and it was just the new family, Maks nudged Meryl over so that they could all lay together in the bed. He asked, “Can I hold her?” He had never seen a bigger smile come over his wife’s face. She passed Sofia to her dad and laid back contentedly.

Maks was instantly in love. He had now officially fallen in love at first sight twice in his life. Nothing needed to be said as Meryl watched her beefy husband play with his tiny newborn daughter. Maks was cooing at Sofia when he heard his wife’s voice say, “I get it now.”

Maks looks at Meryl in confusion.

"I get what you said about how you wish I could see myself as you see me. It’s the same way I feel about Sofia. I always will want her to see herself the way we see her now. As perfect."

Now it was Maks’ turn to have the biggest smile on his face. Even though he had told her this in the locker room that night so long ago, he didn’t know if she would ever fully realize it. Not on the day they won the mirror ball, the day he proposed, the day she and Charlie won their second gold, or even their wedding day.

"This disease doesn’t just go away, Maks, we’ve always known that. But dealing with it just became a whole lot easier."

Their smiles said it all.

—————————————————————————————————————————————————-

Three days later, when they were ready to take Sofia home, Maks noticed something. For the first time since they’d known each other, Meryl was looking into a mirror, with a smile on her face.

Finally, he thought, she can see herself the way I see her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's it! Hope y'all enjoy it!


End file.
